I was driving past a church one evening and I noticed that the church sign read, “How do kids spell love? T‐I‐M‐E.” I was struck enough by this that I stopped to snap a photo of it. I thought “Yes, that is how kids spell love!” As I drove on, and reflected more about the sign, I thought, “Well, kids also spell love R‐E‐S‐P‐E‐C‐T, A‐F‐F‐I‐R‐M‐A‐T‐I‐O‐N, and probably countless other ways.” No matter how many ways kids spell love, time is definitely important.
Because life is so busy, it’s often difficult to find the time to spend with our kids. As fathers we can find it especially challenging to find ways to spend time with our sons where we really connect. In some cases we even find our sons initially resistant to spending time with us. As males, boys and dads usually aren’t inclined to connect by talking. We connect by doing, although sometimes we even talk a little as we are doing things together. I’ve listed a few activities below that can provide opportunities for fathers and sons to spend time together doing things which can help build their relationships. I’ve even included activities that can entice sons who are currently reluctant to spend time with their dads.
BUILDING AND REPAIR PROJECTS
Dads who have the skills can tune up a bicycle, do home repair projects, put up a garden shed, or build simple wood working projects with their sons (the Cub Scout’s Pinewood Derby is a great example of this type of project). For those dads who are less handy, plastic model car kits can be fun projects to tackle. If you are feeling unsure of where to start, there are YouTube tutorials describing how to do almost any type of project. Projects that last over several weeks have the added benefit of creating an ongoing sense of connectedness even when you are not actively working on the project.
SPORTS AND FANTASY LEAGUES
Not all boys love sports, but those who do provide dads with time‐honored opportunities to connect around shooting baskets, playing catch with a football or baseball, or kicking a soccer ball. The physical activity is healthy for both of you and the time together is priceless.
Fantasy football, baseball, basketball and hockey leagues provide another opportunity to connect around a shared interest in sports. Studying player stats, drafting a team, making personnel moves, and vying for a league championship are great ways for dads and sons to bond. As with extended building projects, the fantasy season creates an ongoing feeling of connectedness because the team is always there in the background as something that links the two of you and that you can refer to at any moment. Check out Yahoo! for fantasy sports rules and leagues.
ROUGHHOUSING
Boys, even those not into sports, generally love the physical contact with their fathers that comes from rough and tumble play. The Art of Roughhousing by Anthony DeBenedet, M.D. and Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D. is a wonderful introduction to roughhousing for those dads who feel they need some guidance regarding safe and fun roughhousing.
POKER
Playing poker is a good way to interest a reluctant kid to spend time with his dad. Poker is not only fun and exciting to play, but it encourages the development of many important skills in those who play. Poker teaches players lessons about math, money, and emotional self‐control. Poker also teaches players how to understand the minds and intentions of other people as players try to read what their opponents’ cards are.
WHAT TO DO WITH THE KID WHO DOESN’T WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU ON THESE ACTIVITIES.
With a son who is reluctant to spend time with you, I would recommend starting with what he is interested in. If he loves playing video games, try watching the game while he plays. Ask questions about the game. Eventually ask if he’ll teach you to play. Even if you don’t like or approve of video games, it’s more important for your relationship with you son to meet him where his interests are, than it is to make your point about how video games are too violent or a waste of time. You can take a similar approach to connecting by listening to, and appreciating, the music that your son likes. Try to see what he likes about it. Listen to it enough so it has a chance to grow on you. You can also watch the TV shows he likes, or ask to see YouTube videos that he enjoys.
Good luck! Give your son your time and remember “if first you don’t succeed, try try again.”
