The Power of Positive Parenting: Gottman’s Magic Ratio
Marriage and family researcher, John Gottman, has observed that spouses in happy, stable marriages engage in positive expressions of feelings and actions towards each other about five times as often as they engage in negative expressions. He has labeled this 5 to 1 ratio as the “Magic Ratio.” Gottman has found that couples who do not maintain a 5 to 1 ratio, even if they engage in more positive expressions of feelings than negative ones, are at risk of heading down the slippery slope towards breaking up. Consistent positive expressions of love, respect and affection keep love nurtured. When conflicts do arise in these positive “5 to 1” marriages, there is a reservoir of good will which sustains the couple through the difficult work of resolving the conflicts and prevents things from escalating to a destructive level.
Gottman’s magic ratio is a valuable rule of thumb for parents to apply in their relationships with their children. Children develop best, and parent-child relationships are most harmonious, when parents engage in the expression of positive feelings towards their children about five times as often as they engage in negative expressions such as correction and criticism. Parent-child relationships which are consistently positive form the basis for the development of confidence, healthy self-esteem, and resilience. Relationships that are not experienced by children as clearly positive can lead to anxiety, communication difficulties, and problems with discipline.
Children form their sense of self, especially early on in life, primarily from how their parents interact with them. When parents’ words, feelings, and actions consistently convey to the child positive messages, such as “you are good, you are loved, you are wanted,” the child absorbs those feelings and develops an internal voice that consistently says, “I am good, I am lovable, I am wanted.” A positive sense of self buffers a child against many of the risks and dangers of being a child in this complicated time. Self-destructive behavior grows out of a belief that one does not deserve to be well taken care of and out of anger directed at oneself for being unworthy. Eating disorders, risky sexual behaviors, abuse of alcohol and drugs, under-performing at school can all be minimized when the need for self punishment and self destructiveness aren’t present.
Consistent positivity also encourages a child to internalize an optimistic worldview. Feeling that ones parents are consistently on ones side gives children the courage to go out into the world and do new things, to strive to do well, and to not let anxiety stop them from going after what they want. Optimists are more popular, more confident, have more professional success, and are less vulnerable to experiencing feelings of anxiety and depression than are pessimists (some recent research also suggests that Optimists may live longer!). Optimists expect good experiences to occur across all parts of life. Setbacks are not internalized as failures, so Optimists bounce back more easily.
Consistent positivity also promotes close feelings in the relationship between parent and child. Negative emotional expressions from parents not only encourage the development of a negative self image in the child, but also a negative image of the parent. The child of a less positive parent is less likely to turn to the parent for support and comfort and the parent’s constructive criticism and good advice are ignored because the parent is seen as a consistent source of negative noise. Positivity, paradoxically, creates circumstances in which parents’ words (even the occasional necessary critical ones) are taken more seriously. In effect the child thinks “my parent is always on my side and wouldn’t say this thing if it wasn’t important.” As a result, a 5 to 1 positive to negative ratio helps create the conditions where kids are more likely to be cooperative and more likely to listen and respond when a parent does have a complaint.
An important factor in maintaining a 5 to 1 magic ratio in your relationships with your spouse and children is remembering that an expression of feeling or an action count as positive only if they are experienced by the other person as positive. Just because something seems positive to you, or would feel positive to you, it doesn’t mean that your kids will or should experience it similarly. Finding the right ingredients for the positive side of the ratio takes some study. Observe your kids reactions to your words and actions. Ask your friends what they do for their kids. Don’t overlook what seem like small things. Sometimes simply remaining calm and not overreacting can have incredible effects.
Something that surprises many people about maintaining the positive 5 to 1 ratio is that what you think about your kids matters, even if you don’t ever say it. If you believe that your kids are lazy, selfish, irresponsible, etc., it will have a damaging impact on your positive to negative ratio — even if you never call them any of these things. What we think influences what we see. If we think our child is lazy, we can’t help but selectively notice the times he or she acts in a lazy way and notice fewer of the times that he or she is industrious. What we think about our child also influences how we act. If we think our child is irresponsible, we might subtly express that lack of trust by not giving our child opportunities to be responsible. So, even if you don’t verbalize your negative view of your child, the message gets through loud and clear through these subtle cues.
It takes effort to maintain a healthy, growth promoting balance of 5 to 1 positive to negative. In our busy lives the pull is actually towards a ratio of less than 5 to 1. The things we feel our children need to be corrected on grab our attention and demand to be addressed. They will be addressed regardless of how little time there is. The positive things do not demand attention in the same way. Steven Covey talks about how a value centered life requires effort on fostering the non-urgent but important activities of life. Urgent important things – such as the problem of the moment (a sibling fight, a bad grade) – get our attention because they demand it. Many parent-child relationships, in fact, get into destructive patterns because the parents aren’t paying enough attention to the positive things that their children are doing and thereby create a circumstance where their children must engage in negative behaviors to get their parents attention. Focusing on the positive five times for every problem or complaint takes intention, attention and effort. It needs to become a healthy habit, like exercise and eating right.
Positive interactions to increase:
Paying Attention to Your Child (especially when he or she is doing something positive):
Be empathic (but hold firm to limits).
Be respectful and accepting of all feelings.
Maintain a positive view of your child.
Always be on your child’s side (this does not mean always agreeing with your child, or not holding them accountable for their actions).
Negative behaviors to decrease.
Eliminate Criticism (use precise complaints that focus on behaviors rather than criticisms of the child’s character).
Get rid of blame.
Minimize sarcasm, never express contempt.