How Do I Get My Son to Practice His Musical Instrument?

When parents ask me, “How do I get my son to practice his musical instrument?” they’re frequently surprised by my response: “Don’t try.”

You already have enough battles with your challenging son — getting him up in the morning, off to school, doing homework, off his screens, eating healthy — without adding one more. Your relationship doesn’t need another fight. And pushing your son to practice risks spoiling his relationship with music. Playing will stop being a joy and turn into work. You’re not failing as a parent if he doesn’t practice. In fact, you should feel great that you’ve got him playing an instrument at all.

But don’t cancel the lessons. Increasing scientific evidence shows that playing a musical instrument is good for brain development — associated with improved attention, greater working memory, better impulse control and emotion regulation, and improvements in executive functioning. Most challenging boys are challenging precisely because they have deficits in these areas. Musical lessons provide exactly the kind of training an ADHD/EF child needs. Even playing once a week during a lesson gives your child’s brain important stimulation for growth.

If a music teacher complains that your son isn’t prepared for lessons, explain that your priority is helping him develop a love of music. Let the teacher know you want lessons to be a good experience and that you’re not worried about whether he practices. Most teachers can adjust. If yours can’t, consider finding a teacher who understands ADHD/EF kids and knows how to make lessons fun — a teacher’s skill and personality are probably the most important factor in whether your son stays enthusiastic about music.

Ways to Encourage Practice Without Fighting

• Make sure he’s playing an instrument he actually likes.
• Make sure he’s learning songs in his lessons that he likes and wants to play.
• If you play an instrument, play together. Challenging kids typically prefer playing music with someone rather than alone.
• Encourage him to participate in band or orchestra at school.
• Most of all, get genuinely excited about his playing and his progress.