5 Steps to Stop Arguing with Your Kids.

Arguing with our kids is something that we all hate, but still most of us spend a lot of time doing it. In this post, you’ll learn 5 steps that have the power to transform any potential argument into an opportunity for you and your child to understand each other better and grow closer.

Here are my five steps to ending arguments:

• Step 1: Stop Trying to Make Your Point
• Step 2: Check-in with Yourself
• Step 3: Start “Listening and Learning”
• Step 4: Express Your Feelings
• Step 5: Problem Solve

Let me illustrate these steps through a fairly typical argument between a parent and child.

The moment David, a 6th grader, came home from school, he turned on his laptop and dove straight into Minecraft. Though this would ordinarily aggravate his mom, Maureen, it really gets to her today as she just picked up an email from David’s teacher saying that he was missing several assignments.

Mom: Rather than playing on your computer, wouldn’t it be a good idea to get started on your homework? I just got an email from Ms. Sutton who said you are missing two English assignments.

David: I’ll get started in a minute.

(Ten minutes later he’s still sitting there.)

Mom: Didn’t you hear me? I said get off that computer and get to work!

David: I’ve got it under control.

Mom: If you had it under control, I wouldn’t be hearing from your teacher! Get up to your room and get started on that homework!

(He ignores her and continues to play his game.)

Mom: This is serious. If you can’t keep up now, how is it going to be when you get to High School?

David: Ms. Sutton’s class is stupid. Her assignments are pointless. I’m never going to have to read a poem to get a job.

You can imagine how this fight might end: Maureen could make threats, try to shut off his game, or give up. David could storm off, start yelling, or remain on his computer in open defiance.

What can Maureen do to change things? And what can you do to break out of a cycle of arguments with your child? Here are my 5 steps:

Step 1: Stop Trying to Make Your Point

In any argument, especially ones with our children, the urge to make our point – again and again if necessary – is huge. It’s important to us because the stakes are high and we worry that we’re not being good parents if we don’t convince our child of our point of view. Although letting go of making our point can feel like giving up, it’s actually the most powerful path toward being heard by our child. Continuing to push our point only leads our child to dig in harder, and tune us out more.

Let’s take David and Maureen. Neither is listening to the other – they are both pushing their points of view. Maureen is focused on getting David to do his homework. David is focused on getting his mom to stop nagging him. Neither is interested in understanding where the other one is coming from.

When we notice that we have gotten caught up in an argument with our child, Step 1 is to stop trying to make our “point.” Making the shift from pushing our point to listening and understanding, paradoxically, is the shortest and most effective path to being heard and having influence.

Step 2: Check-in with Yourself

Once we’ve stopped trying to make our point, we need to check in with ourselves. Ask whether we can, just for the moment, suspend being “right” in favor of really listening to and understanding our child. Am I open to the fact that my child has a point of view that makes sense to him or her? Can I let go of my judgments of my child?

Family researcher John Gottman has found that it’s impossible for any of us to truly listen when our heart rate is above 100 beats per minute. Anger at our child, or anxiety about what he or she might do or has done, can send our heart rate skyrocketing. Feeling stressed, tired, hungry, or sick can also make it extremely difficult to listen.

If we find that we are ready to work to understand where our child is coming from, it is time to move on to step three. If we discover that we aren’t in a good place to listen, it’s time to take a break from the conversation. Continuing to talk while feelings are running high almost always makes things worse.

Step 3: Start “Listening and Learning”

When we argue, we feel we are right and our child is wrong. However, as one of my favorite movie quotes puts it: “there ain’t no pancake so thin it ain’t got two sides.” There are always two points of view in any conflict.

In the listening and learning step we need to work hard at understanding our child’s point of view and why it makes just as much sense as ours given the information, beliefs, emotions, and perceptions that he or she has. This is the hardest step of all. It’s where we all want to quit and go back to being “right.” I promise, if you persist here, despite the challenge, the rewards will be amazing.

When Maureen shifts from wondering “Why is my son so lazy?” to “What is going on with David that makes him feel so awful that he won’t do homework?” – everything shifts. Instead of trying to get David to listen to her point, she might ask David, “What is it about Ms. Sutton’s class that’s stupid?” If she did, she might hear some clues: that David is having a difficult time understanding the poems, that he feels embarrassed being asked to write about his feelings, or that Ms. Sutton embarrassed him by asking him to read aloud.

Let me be clear: listening, understanding, and validating our child’s point of view does not mean abandoning our own position or giving in. It means accepting that we both have valid points of view. By understanding David’s discomfort better, Maureen is not giving up her position that doing homework is important – she is helping David experience her as an ally instead of an adversary so they can work together to solve the problem.

Step 4: Express Your Feelings

Once our child feels that we get where he or she is coming from, our child will be much more receptive to hearing about our feelings and concerns. Maureen might say to David that it makes total sense to her that he’d want to avoid doing homework that makes him feel stupid or embarrassed, but that she also knows that he likes to do well in school and that not doing these assignments is hurting his grade. She might add that when we avoid our problems they don’t go away – they usually get worse.

Don’t be surprised if your child doesn’t validate back right away. It’ll come with time as we work consistently to listen to and validate our child instead of arguing.

Step 5: Problem Solve

Once we each feel understood, we can now start brainstorming solutions to the problems underlying the argument. The goal is to find a win-win solution in which both sides’ feelings and needs are met. In the initial phase, parent and child brainstorm together possible solutions. David might suggest that his mother ignore Ms. Sutton’s emails and leave him alone. Maureen might suggest that David set aside his upset feelings and just do it. Of course, neither of these addresses both sides’ main concerns.

Eventually they might agree that they will speak with Ms. Sutton together and seek to have the assignments modified to something that David is more comfortable doing. Maureen likes this because David will get caught up on his work, and David likes it because he has his mother’s support in dealing with a challenging issue.

I hope these 5 steps are helpful to you in dealing with the inevitable arguments that arise between a parent and a child.