Getting Your Child Emotionally Ready for the Transition to College: 5 Essential Tips for Parents

This is the time of year when high school seniors are sorting through acceptances and making decisions about where to attend college. While we focus so much energy on getting our kids into top colleges, we invest relatively little in setting them up for a successful transition once they get there. It’s a major life transition and, without proper preparation and support, kids are at risk of getting overwhelmed, doing poorly academically, and even dropping out. I’ve been studying the transition to college and working with children heading off to college for 30 years. Here are 5 things that you can do as parents in the five months between now and when your child leaves for school to prepare them for success.

College acceptances mark the culmination of years of stress and effort for students and their families – often going back to ninth grade and beyond. Getting into the “best” college is seen by many as a crucial stepping stone on the path to success. Big investments of time and money are made to increase the likelihood it happens: kids study hard to keep up their GPA, take honors and AP classes, take SAT/AP test prep courses and do tutoring, have college admission coaches, and involve themselves in numerous extracurricular activities.

Going off to college is, for many, the first time they have lived away from home. It means being away from supportive networks of family and friends and can be a time of homesickness and loneliness. Additionally, at college, the student has to take on substantially greater responsibility for running their life. The student is now incharge of their own physical health: eating a healthy diet, getting enough sleep, and getting appropriate medical care when they are sick. They have to manage their own time and find ways to meet the demands of a greater academic workload. Students must also manage new found freedoms and the accompanying temptations: substances, screen use, and social life. They also have to make new friends and fit into a new social scene.

In the face of these challenges, many students can feel unsure of themselves or even anxious and depressed. Things are especially difficult for this population of children who are already experiencing vastly elevated rates of anxiety and depression due to the pandemic. Overwhelmed college mental health services are taxed like never before.

What can parents do to help?

Support the Decision Making Process
April of Senior Year: Celebrate the acceptances, offer empathy and consolation about the rejections and support your child in making the big decision about where they will go to school in the fall. Once the decision is made, give your child a few weeks to let it all sink in.

Prepare Your Child for Independence
Mid-May of Senior Year: Start preparing your child for the greater independence that they will have in college by giving them increasingly more freedom now. If they aren’t already, let your child take over management of their homework, bedtime, social life, curfew, screens, and laundry during the final weeks of school and through the summer. It’s much better for your child to struggle with these new responsibilities while you are right there to help, rather than waiting until they are off at school. I think of this time in parenting as like the guard rails at the bowling alley. As long as your child is heading down the lane, you aren’t involved. If they start to head towards the gutter you step in to gently bump them back on course.

Normalize the Feelings that Accompany the Transition to College
After graduation: Once again give your child a couple of weeks to let it all sink in. It’s a big deal to be a high school graduate. Now begins the time of your child saying goodbye to friends and preparing to leave for school. Talk with your child about the transition to college. Let them know that heading off to school is an exciting time, but it can also be very stressful. Normalize and prepare them for the feelings of loneliness, insecurity, and anxiety that can be a natural part of the transition. This information will help your child understand that these feelings are normal and not a sign that something is wrong.

Develop Stress Management Skills
After graduation is also a good time to suggest that your child add some stress management skills to their repertoire. They might start using a meditation app to develop a regular meditation practice. They could start a regular exercise program that could be continued at school. There are also many excellent stress management and DBT skills workbooks for teens.

Be Available for Emotional Support
Finally, and most importantly of all, make sure your child feels comfortable letting you know when they need help. You do this by being empathic and supportive. Listen to and validate your child’s feelings and struggles before making concrete suggestions about what they should do. Be prepared that your child might be very unhappy, or even tell you that they need to come home. Again, this is normal. It’s not a sign that you need to rescue your child from their growing pains. It is a sign to increase your support. Be more available. Encourage your child to reach out to support services available at their school. The goal is to get them successfully through the transition so that their confidence in themselves is increased.

If your child is feeling especially anxious about leaving for school (or if they are struggling with anxiety generally) find a psychotherapist for them. It will give your child extra help in developing the skills and strategies that they will need for dealing with the stress of the transition to college life. Make sure that the therapist will be able to continue working with your child after they leave for school. I have found that continuing psychotherapy throughout the transition can play an important role in a successful adjustment.