Back to School: Why Your Son Hates School and 5 Ways to Make this a Great School Year for Both of You
School is a highly frustrating and depressing place for many boys. The thought of going back stresses them out. In this blog, you will learn some of the reasons why your son hates school, as well as 5 things you can do to make this a happier and more successful school year for you and your boy.
Why Your Son Hates School.
It Starts Early: Today’s Kindergarten Curriculum Sets Up Boys to Fail
For many boys the difficulties with school begin in kindergarten. Today’s elementary schools emphasize early literacy, as a result kindergarteners are expected to do work that thirty years ago was done in the first grade.
At the age of 5, most boy’s cognitive development and fine motor skills are not ready for these academic demands. Pediatrician, Leonard Sax, in his book Boys Adrift says that at the age of 5 boys’ brain development is around a year and a half behind that of girls. According to Sax, “trying to teach five-year-old boys to learn to read and write may be just as inappropriate as it would to try to teach three-year-old girls to read and write … [and it] may be the worst possible introduction to school.”
By being given work in kindergarten that they cannot do, many boys learn very early on that school is a place where they can’t succeed. This negative first impression can have long-range effects.
Decreased Time for Recess: Boys Especially Need Outside Recess Breaks to Discharge Physical Energy and Recharge Attentional Batteries.
Another way today’s elementary schools are not boy friendly is the decreasing amount of time allotted for recess. Boys are more physically active than girls and they are less able to sit still and be quiet for extended periods of time. Recess is good for the social and cognitive development of boys and girls, but boys especially need the break. Insufficient recess time sets boys up to get into trouble more often for talking, not staying in their seats, or otherwise being disruptive. Most of this misbehavior is not because the boys are disobedient, but because they are being asked to comply with behavioral expectations that they are not capable of meeting. This creates more negative associations to school. Boys learn that school is a place where you get into trouble.
Emphasis on Learning by Worksheet: Boys Learn Best by Doing.
The current emphasis of evaluating students, teachers and schools through standardized tests has led to an emphasis on “teaching to the test.” Auditory learners (also sometimes called ‘read/write learners’), who are more typically girls, are better able to handle a curriculum where learning primarily occurs through listening, reading, writing, and pencil-and-paper work. Boys more frequently are active, visual/kinesthetic learners who learn best by doing: through moving their bodies, through interacting with materials, through experimenting, and through other active and exploratory methods. As active learners, boys are frustrated and bored during the worksheet driven lessons of today’s elementary school.
These are just a few of the factors that may be contributing to boys being turned off to school. An absence of male teachers to serve as role models for boys, as well as the boy culture which says it isn’t cool to like school are examples of other factors that might also be contributing to the problem.
Returning to school for your boy may mean returning to a place where he is going to feel misunderstood, disrespected, stupid and unable to succeed. His need to maintain his self-esteem leads him to counter these bad feelings by saying to himself, “I’m not stupid, school is stupid!” Unfortunately, you only hear half of his story. Instead he just says to you “school is stupid” or “I hate school” or maybe he says nothing. All that you see is a boy not invested in school and unmotivated to do his schoolwork. He doesn’t necessarily let you know how school makes him feel bad about himself.
What can you do to help? Here are five suggestions that will help make this a better school year for you and your son. All of these suggestions are based on the idea that the most important thing you can do to help your son with his school problems is to be on his side. Being on your son’s side does not mean overlooking his misbehavior, denying that he has a problem with school, or agreeing with him when he says that school is stupid. Being on your son’s side means being his ally and his advocate in dealing with the problems that going to school and doing schoolwork present to him. It is easy to get sucked into fighting with your child about school. Being on his side, in contrast, means letting your son know that you love him unconditionally, that you respect his feelings (including his feelings of hating school), and that you want to join with him in finding a solution rather than becoming part of the problem.
1. Resist the Temptation to Label Him
When faced with a boy who is not doing his homework, says school is stupid and that he hates his teacher, it is easy for us as parents to get caught up in feeling that our son is lazy, oppositional, and disrespectful. When we view our son’s lack of motivation through the negative lens of these labels we start to expect him to behave in negative ways. Our sons pick up on this negative attitude and it makes them even more sad, frustrated, angry and even more likely to oppose school. The first step in helping him solve his problems with school is to understand that he is unmotivated because he has learned that school is a place where he can’t succeed, won’t be respected, and is likely to get into trouble. Imagine having a job where you were made to feel as stupid, controlled and stifled as school makes your son feel. In that type of environment you’d find it difficult to be invested in your job and you’d probably want to quit – I know I would.
2. Accept His Feelings
When your son says that school is stupid and a waste of time, or that he hates his teacher, it is very easy to get pulled into correcting him. “School isn’t stupid” you might want to say, “it’s important and you better work harder.” Our instincts tell us if we validate our son’s negative feelings about school that we are going to encourage them to grow and make them harder to change. However, the opposite is true. With kids and their feelings, the axiom is that “the bad feelings have to come out before the good ones can get in.”
When your son says, for example, that school is stupid, you can validate his experience of school without agreeing with him. You could say something like “sounds like school is pretty frustrating.” This statement accepts his feelings and invites him to say more about the problems he is having.
3. Don’t battle over homework.
As parents, we want the very best for our children and we know that doing well in school and ultimately going to college gives a person an important advantage in the competitive world of work. When a boy says that he doesn’t care about school, we feel understandably afraid for his future. When he doesn’t do his homework, we want to make him do it. It is important, however, for school to belong to your son. You will do whatever you can to help him do well, of course, but ultimately your son has to take ownership for his school performance. Remember, it is your job to be on your son’s side. You can offer to help him with his homework, but provide the help only if he accepts your offer. As you work to establish yourself in your son’s mind as his ally in dealing with his school problems, he will be increasingly more likely to accept your help.
(Click this link to see my post on homework battles: From Homework Battles to Self Management: 4 Tips for Parents.)
4. Talk to the teacher
If your son doesn’t like school or isn’t doing well, it’s a good idea to talk to his teacher. Find out if the teacher really ‘gets’ your son. Find out if he or she has an understanding of how boys and girls can have different learning styles. Many teachers were never taught about these gender differences. You might mention to the teacher that you read a great book about teaching boys and you’d be happy to loan it to him or her. Examples of these books are:
Teaching the Male Brain: How Boys Think, Feel, and Learn in School by Abigail Norfleet James.
Reaching Boys, Teaching Boys: Strategies that Work — and Why by Michael Reichert and Richard Hawley.
5. Get help.
If you aren’t able to make substantial headway with suggestions 1 to 4, you might consider getting help. Tutors can be enormously helpful in dealing with school problems. A tutor alleviates the need to fight with your son over homework. The tutor and your son will handle staying on top of homework together. A good tutor will furthermore not only assist your son in learning his school subjects, but will also be able to help your son learn strategies for doing better in school.
It can also be enormously beneficial to consult with a psychologist. A psychologist can make recommendations and provide treatment that can reverse your son’s negative attitudes toward school and poor performance. A psychologist can also evaluate whether your son has some learning issues that are making school even more difficult for him.
Remember, you can help your son make this the happiest and most successful school year ever. It can take a little time to turn things around, but if you start today by accepting and understanding your son’s feelings, you will be started on a path that will change your son’s feelings about school, and more importantly, that will improve the quality of your relationship with him.