How to Talk to Children about Divorce

Recently, I was interviewed for an article about helping children cope with divorce. The interviewer specifically wanted to know my recommendations for how parents’ should tell children about their plans for divorce. Below is a summary of what I discussed.

Getting divorced is an extremely stressful experience. One of the many heart-wrenching aspects of divorce is telling your children that you are breaking up. Hopefully, by following the guidelines below, you can make a very difficult conversation a little easier for everyone.

1.             Tell your children together.

2.             If possible, have a plan worked out before you tell them. (The plan should include who is moving out, when and where s/he is going, when and how the children will see that parent.)

3.             Agree in advance on what you will say to them.

4.             Do not place blame on each other. (For example, don’t say, “Your mother doesn’t want to be married anymore” or “Your father had an affair.”) State clearly, even though one parent is leaving, that it is a mutual decision. This helps children avoid feeling that they have to take sides.

5.             When giving a reason for the separation, say something that is true, but does not burden the children with too much information. (For example, “We haven’t been getting along. We’ve tried to work it out, but we’ve decided that we’d be happier if we lived apart.”)

6.             Reassure your children that you both love them very much, that it is not their fault that you are getting a divorce, and that you will continue to work together as parents.

7.             Let the children know your plan for the when’s and how’s of the separation and the sharing of custody (see item 2).

8.             Let the children know that any feelings they have about the divorce are acceptable (anger, sadness, relief) and that you want to hear about their feelings.

9.             Let the children know that they can ask any you any questions. Answer all questions honestly, but also recognize that you do not have to answer every question. Also, do not give answers to questions that place blame for the divorce on one of the parents or otherwise imply that it is not a mutual decision (see item 4).

10.          Let the children know that they can talk to you about the divorce and their feelings about it, or ask you questions at any time. Many children will have little to say at the time of the initial conversation. They may be in shock. It is important for them to know that they can discuss their thoughts, feelings, and questions with you as they come up over time.

Children are resilient, but give them space to process this upsetting news after you tell them. Like you may be, they are grieving the loss of the family as they know it. Peppering them with questions at this time might actually interrupt their healing process. So, let your children know you are there for them, and that you love them no matter what—this will go a long way in smoothing their transition to this new version of family life.

Once you have opened the door to hearing about feelings and questions, it is important to follow through and be accepting of and pay attention to the feelings and questions when they are brought up. It also helps keep the lines of communication open when you look for openings to have little conversations. If your child looks sad or is acting very frustrated, just acknowledging that the divorce is very upsetting is sometimes enough to get the child to tell you a little about what he or she has been feeling.

Divorce is not something that happens at a moment in time. It is a process. The feelings that children have about their parents’ divorce change over time, and can continue to change through out the children’s lives. The children, like the parents, go through a process of grieving the loss of the family as they’ve known it. Like you their grieving includes feelings of denial (believing the parents will get back together), anger, and sadness.

Keep in mind that it can be very helpful for couples contemplating divorce to consult with a qualified child psychotherapist or their pediatrician before talking to their children about divorce. Also, you should consult your pediatrician or a qualified psychotherapist if concerns come up about how your children are reacting to your divorce.