From time to time, all parents encounter resistance or even tantrums when they say no to a treat, a purchase, or an activity that a child really wants. And even families with easy, compliant kids and serene, Zen-like parents have fights that occasionally escalate in regrettable ways. In most cases, if the parents hold firm, the child will eventually accept the parents’ decision. Things become concerning, however, when power struggles shift from being occasional events and become frequently repeated and difficult to avoid patterns. Unfortunately, once established, these habitual aversive, angry, and unhappy parent-child interactions are extremely resistant to change.
Consider 10 year-old Bob*. When Bob’s mother says “no” to him, he mopes, yells, pushes her, and argues in an unrelenting manner. Let’s focus in on a specific example. Bob wants to go out for ice cream after dinner. Bob’s mother says “no” because it’s getting late and Bob hasn’t finished his homework. Also, Bob’s mother is tired and she doesn’t feel like going out. In response to his mother’s “no,” Bob yells. “This isn’t fair! You never want to do what I want to do!”
Bob’s mother might try reasoning with him. “We went out for ice cream when you asked two nights ago, and besides you need to get your homework done.” Bob then tries negotiating. “If we go out for ice cream, I’ll start on my homework the minute we get back.” Or, he might use threats. “If you don’t take me for ice cream, I’m not going to do my homework.” Eventually, Bob’s mother caves in and takes him for ice cream. “Remember,” she says, “the minute we get home it’s right to the homework.” Of course when they get home Bob doesn’t start his homework.
Sometimes Bob’s mother gets fed up with his pleas, threats, whines and promises and loses her cool. She might yell, “Nothing is ever good enough for you! Why can’t I ever just say ‘no’ and have you accept it!” Power struggles like these happen over and over between challenging boys and their parents. No matter who gets their way, nobody wins. Power struggles always end with anger, hurt, and guilt being felt on both sides.
What do the parenting books say to do? How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, one of my favorite parenting books, recommends accepting and respecting a child’s feelings. One way to do this, they say, is to “give the child his wishes in fantasy.” In our example, Bob’s mother might say, “I wish that we had enough time to go for ice cream tonight.” Another great book, Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child, recommends making a clear statement of the limit, using as few words as possible, and connecting it with natural consequences. “We aren’t going for ice cream tonight. You need to stop arguing with me on this and get started on your homework, or there won’t be time to watch TV before bed.” Positive Discipline would have Bob’s mother recognize that Bob cannot force her to take him for ice cream. Likewise, she should recognize that she cannot force Bob to do his homework. Positive Discipline recommends that Bob’s mother avoid engaging in a power struggle over going for ice cream, or doing homework, that she instead take a “positive time-out.” In a positive time-out, the parent removes him or herself from the conflict with the child in order to calm down (click this link to read more about how to take a positive time-out).
All three of these are reasonable suggestions. For many children, having their feelings acknowledged and accepted is enough to help them get over their disappointment at not getting what they want. Similarly, many children find a parent’s clearly stated limit to be soothing. Although the child doesn’t get what he wants in the moment, it is calming to know that your parents are in charge and not overwhelmed by your strong feelings. Finally, calming down and avoiding power struggles is always a good idea. No one, parent or child, ever wins in an escalating power struggle.
However, because Bob and his mom have a well established negative pattern around times when Bob wants something that his mother thinks wouldn’t be good for him, none of these suggestions are likely to work very well. For example, part of what Bob is so frustrated about is his belief that his mother doesn’t care if he’s happy. Of course Bob’s belief is mistaken. If anything, Bob’s mother is overly concerned that he be happy and not upset. Unfortunately, the anger and hurtful words that have come out during his fights with his mom, and his guilt at his own demanding behavior has led Bob to see himself as a bad kid and to believe that his mom thinks so too. So, even if Bob’s mother were to give him what he wants in fantasy – by saying “I wish that we had enough time to go for ice cream tonight” – Bob wouldn’t believe her.
Regarding firm limits, it has been Bob’s experience, up until now, that when his mother says “no” that he can usually get her to back down if he pushes back hard enough. So his initial response to a clear statement of a limit and consequence is to immediately escalate things. This relates to a well-established phenomenon in animal training: when you try to eliminate an undesirable behavior, the animal will initially engage in the behavior with more intensity before that behavior starts to decrease in frequency over time.
Similarly, in their negative cycle of power struggles, it has been Bob’s mother’s experience that if she gives in to Bob’s demands he will stop his tantrum. Bob’s mother knows by giving Bob what he wants that she can avoid an unpleasant fight and restore peace – temporarily. Even if she can initially manage to avoid the temptation to give in to keep the peace and set a firm limit, as Bob’s tantrum increases in intensity the temptation to give in becomes more and more difficult to resist.
Finally, considering the positive time-out, even leaving the situation to calm down can be very difficult to do. If Bob’s mother manages to implement the positive time-out, he might not let her get away. Bob might follow her as she tries to leave and continue his badgering, berating and whining. Or Bob’s mother might feel so angry that she can’t bear letting him have the last word. Leaving the heated exchange might feel to Bob’s mom like a surrender or show of weakness.
Why are negative patterns so hard to break? They may begin innocently enough. A parent makes a request of the child to do something such as, get dressed for school, turn the TV off, quit playing a video game, go to bed, etc. But maybe the request wasn’t made clearly or firmly enough, or not enough time was allowed for the kid to comply, or maybe the parent combined the request with criticism (“don’t you want to do something other than waste all your time watching TV?”). Perhaps the situation is amplified by a major transition in the home: a sibling is born, the child begins kindergarten, problems have arisen in the parents’ marriage.
An easy child can, by and large, tolerate requests that aren’t crystal clear, or are made too abruptly, or have a tinge of criticism. That child, most of the time, gets ready for school, turns off the TV or the game, or goes to bed with little resistance. However, things get complicated with a child who, by virtue of an irritable temperament, or poor impulse control, or difficulty with transitions can have difficulty complying with parental requests.
This more challenging type of child is prone to responding to the parental request coercively, with whining, a tantrum, or an explosion. The parent (who, like most parents of young children is tired, stressed, frustrated) doesn’t have the will to fight this battle and retracts the request. The child then stops his or her coercive tactics because he or she is no longer confronted by a demand for compliance. In this way the parent and child train each other to engage in a negative dynamic over and over again. The parent rewards the child for being coercive by retracting the demand for compliance. The child reinforces the parent for acquiescing by stopping the coercion in response to the parent retracting the demand. A basic law of reinforcement is that behaviors that are reinforced are more likely to occur. In this case, the reinforcement makes it more likely that the child will respond coercively to requests and more likely that the parent will retract a request that is met with resistance.
In spite of this reinforcement, a negative pattern is still relatively susceptible to change in these early stages. As it occurs more and more times the pattern becomes deeply established. Not only does the repeated reinforcement of the destructive behaviors solidify things, but the negative pattern leads to other changes in the parent-child relationship that further entrenches the pattern. The parents and the child develop beliefs based on these interactions. The parent feels annoyed and frustrated with his or her inability to be in charge of the child. This frustration and annoyance leads the parent to develop upsetting beliefs such as that his or her child is bad, defiant, pathological and destined for problems through out life. The parent also feels like a failure as a parent. These negative beliefs, in turn, are communicated to the child; directly in statements like, “what is wrong with you?” or “why can’t ‘no’ ever mean ‘no’ with you?” They are also communicated indirectly through the parent’s withdrawal, irritation, or hostile attitude toward the child. The child, in turn, believes that the parent doesn’t love him or her (this is accentuated if he or she has a sibling who is an easier kid) and that the parents don’t want him or her to be happy. The child also, at a deeper level, feels that he or she is a bad person for the way he or she behaves and for not having the parents’ love. When a parent reads a parenting book, even a very good one, it is difficult to turn what they learn into positive change. Real changes are hard to make because of all the weight of the reinforcement and the negative feelings and beliefs that keep negative patterns in place.
I hope I haven’t made you feel too pessimistic by now. It is very difficult to change negative family dynamics, but not impossible. In the next entry I will talk about how to bring about change that can overcome these patterns and how to bring about a positive climate in the home that endures.
(To skip to how to start addressing these problems, click here.)
*Bob and his mother are fictitious characters and are not based on any specific individuals. They were created to illustrate the type of entrenched patterns of conflict that develop between challenging boys and their parents.
