The three top causes of power struggles are: difficult temperament, delays in language development, and deficits in executive functioning.

Before discussing the causes of power struggles in more depth, I want to talk first about easy kids, kids who don’t get into frequent and intense power struggles. Most of us know easy kids. In fact, many parents of challenging kids also have an easy kid. These kids from birth just have fewer meltdowns, tantrums, explosions and power struggles than challenging kids. They generally get off the computer, accept that they can’t get the toy they see in the store, fight less with their siblings, clean their rooms with much less nagging, and do their homework with much less struggle than challenging kids. It’s not that easy kids never engage in these difficult behaviors, it’s just that they do so with less frequency, less intensity and they are far less easily triggered. With easy kids there’s more room to relax as a parent. You don’t need to be on top of them and on top of your game every minute of the day to get the minimum level of compliance needed to keep life more or less on course.

Challenging kids, in contrast to easy kids, beg for “just ten more minutes” on their computer game and then go ballistic an hour later when, fed up, you shut the computer off. Challenging kids plead, argue, berate, harass and finally explode when you when you say “no” to something they want you to buy them or to something they want to do. They hit their siblings with seemingly no provocation. To get them to clean up their things or do their homework you have to supervise every minute to keep them on task, and still you frequently end up in a fight. With challenging kids it seems like you have to be on alert 24-7 to keep things under control.

Why are challenging kids and easy kids so different? We call easy kids “good kids” and we have all sorts of negative labels for challenging kids: oppositional, defiant, willful, manipulative, angry, rebellious, and many people just call them “bad kids.” Ross Greene has a wonderful phrase in his book, The Explosive Child: he says, “Children do well if they can.” What he means is that all kids deep down want to be “good.” What distinguishes easy kids from challenging kids is that challenging kids frequently lack the skills they need to be good.

Challenging kids often are born with, what researchers call, a difficult temperament. They are just moodier and more irritable than their easy temperament counterparts. It’s difficult to resolve conflicts with others when your thinking is overwhelmed by negative feelings. We all know that when we’re in a bad mood we get irritated, snap, take our bad feelings out on others, and are generally quite difficult to get a long with. Some kids are battling these bad moods much of the time.

Challenging kids also frequently have developmental delays in language processing These language processing delays can be present even in kids who were not delayed in learning to talk. The processing delays I am referring to are related to the speed with which children can process and comprehend what is said to them. It also refers to difficulties understanding and expressing subtle or abstract ideas. These delays can mean that it is more difficult for the child to express him or herself verbally – such as what he wants, why she want its, or what he feels. We often tell little children to “use your words,” but these kids have a very difficult time doing this. It’s frustrating not to be able to express yourself. Because words are so difficult for these kids, they use yelling, door slamming, or hitting instead to express their unhappiness, anger, and frustration – actions that often set off fights and power struggles. Children with language issues can also have difficulty understanding exactly what is being asked of them and what the rules are in a given situation. Many times their lack of compliance results from a genuine misunderstanding of what may seem like an obvious request.

In addition to temperament issues, and language processing delays, I have found in my practice that almost all kids who engage in frequent power struggles are behind in their executive functioning development, which makes it more difficult for them to deal effectively with the frustrations, disappointments, and interpersonal conflicts that life presents us all with. This is true even of kids who do not have a diagnosable condition, such as ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorders, Anxiety, Mood Disorders, or Learning Disabilities.

Executive functioning refers to the group of cognitive skills that enable a person to decide upon a goal and pursue it, and to respond adaptively to new or complex situations (like interpersonal conflicts). Just as an executive in an organization establishes the vision, or goals, for the organization, and then makes decisions and manages the individuals in the organization in order to achieve those goals, so too the executive part of our brains is in charge of setting goals, making plans, and managing the impulses and emotions that arise in us that may prevent us from achieving our goals.

It’s important to point out that executive skills are independent from intelligence. Very smart children can have poor executive skills. It can be quite confusing when your smart kid acts in seemingly “dumb” ways because of deficits in executive functioning.

To review, a pattern of power struggles doesn’t start because your child is bad – that is, lazy, manipulative, oppositional, etc… They start because the way your child’s development is delayed in ways that make it very difficult for him to comply with requests that other children have a much easier time with. It is also the case that a pattern of power struggles doesn’t start because you are a bad parent who uses inadequate discipline.

Let me repeat. A pattern of power struggles does not begin because you are a bad parent, or because your child is a bad kid. In the heat of a struggle it can feel like the problem originates with your child’s will when it is really his or her lack of skill. We tailor what we ask our children to do based on what is developmentally appropriate to ask of them. We ask a 5-year-old to clear her plate, but we don’t expect her to be able to prepare dinner. If we did, there would be a tantrum. She simply hasn’t developed the skills to prepare dinner. It’s not a matter of being willful. No amount of bribing, threatening, lecturing, yelling, etc… can give a 5-year-old the skills to prepare an edible dinner. Similarly, when we meet with oppositional behavior in our child it is frequently because we have asked him to do something that he simply lacks the skills to do, even though many other kids the same age can successfully accomplish what is being asked. So let’s put away the temptation to place blame – blame doesn’t solve anything – and get started addressing the underlying problems.

These two books are excellent places to get started resolving the underlying causes of the power struggles you are having with your child.

Ross Greene’s The Explosive Child.  (click here to go to my review of The Explosive Child).

Stanley I. Greenspan’s The Challenging Child.

The most powerful tool for solving power struggles is a parenting journal. In your parenting journal you will record a narrative description of each power struggle, explosion, or other type of upsetting interaction that you have with your child. Each of these narratives will begin with the last moment that everything seemed fine and will include every detail you can recall of what you and your child did leading up to the power struggle and during it. In order to get the most complete and accurate description of the event possible, try to write the narrative as soon after the power struggle as you reasonably can.

You might feel that you just don’t have time to do this. Being a parent keeps life very busy, but even if you spend only 10-15 minutes a day with your journal it will bring big benefits. Power struggles take a lot of time too, and the bad feelings that they leave behind can detract from all other activities.

You might feel that it would be too painful to keep a parenting journal. Most of us feel so guilty, angry and awful after these episodes that we want to forget about them and move on. However, keeping a parenting journal actually helps prevent the unhealthy build up of painful feelings and stress that can result from family conflict. Psychological research shows that people who remember and write journal entries about upsetting events actually get over the bad feelings faster than those who try to forget about the events and move on. Recalling and writing about painful events is physically healthier too. It is associated with a reduction of health damaging stress hormones in the body.

In addition to providing a place for expressing and relieving the stress and strain of the conflicts you are having with your child, a parenting journal will provide you with the means to solve the problems underlying the power struggles. The painful emotions associated with power struggles disrupt our thinking and make remembering the important details very difficult if we don’t write them down. As philosopher George Santayana said, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” It is in remembering and writing down narratives of the conflicts that you are having with your child that you will create a record that will allow you to determine the cause of the struggles and make a plan to resolve them. Family dynamics are sticky. If we don’t remember and analyze our problematic interactions, we inevitably get sucked into repeating them over and over.

So let’s get started! First select your journal. Will it be a leather bound or other type of decorative journal book? a spiral notebook? on your computer? or on your phone? All are fine options. What matters most is that your journal can be kept in a place where you can access it relatively easily, but that you can be sure that others, especially your children, will not be able to read it.

After each power struggle, melt down, explosion, or tantrum find a few quiet minutes and write down what happened. Begin at the point that things seemed fine. Maybe you were preparing dinner and the kids were happily watching TV. Maybe you were waking them up for school. Next think about anything that might have been going on before the problem emerged. Your child seemed tired, or you noticed that he hadn’t eaten his lunch, or you recall that you were stressed or preoccupied with something. Often struggles or tantrums start with something small, but then build quickly in intensity. Try to remember what the initial moments were like. Your kids were jostling each other on the couch and you stepped in to stop things. Finally, record how things went wrong and what got the episode to end. You asked your child to turn the TV off and he blew up. You yelled, or maybe you gave in and let him keep watching TV so that you could have dinner in peace for once. Try also to record the thoughts and feelings that you were having. “I can’t take any more of this.” “I am failing as a mother.” “He’s so rigid, just like my brother (or husband, or father).”

Here’s a sample entry from an imaginary mother of a 10 year-old boy named Sam:
It was Friday afternoon and everything seemed fine when Sam came home from school. I was relieved that it was the weekend. I felt relaxed after a somewhat stressful workweek. I decided to let him have some extra computer time after his snack while I did some chores around the house. He knew we had a dentist’s appointment to go to and when I told him to get off the computer for the appointment – to my surprise – he agreed without too much grumbling. In the car on the way to the dentist’s office I mentioned that we would be stopping at Costco before going home. He blew up. He was yelling that it wasn’t fair, that he thought we were going home right away so that he could get back to his game. He threatened not to go in at Costco. I couldn’t understand what the problem was. He usually loves Costco. He pouted through the entire dentist’s appointment, but he did go in and more or less cooperated. Finally, I had to bribe him with ice cream to get him to go to Costco without a fight. I feel like nothing is ever good enough for him. Give him and inch and he’ll take a mile. I had given him extra time on the computer, but he’s not satisfied. He’s just like my brother. If he doesn’t get his way, he throws a fit.

In this entry there are a lot of clues to what might be going on. It’s Friday after school, so Sam might be tired from a week of school. He had a snack so hunger probably isn’t an issue. Although he handled leaving his computer game to go to the dentist, Sam indicated in his outburst that he expected to return to the game later. There were many unclear expectations around the computer game. Sam’s mom gave him extra time that she expected him to be satisfied with. Sam’s expectation was that unrestricted computer use would continue when he got home. The unexpected trip to Costco tipped things over the edge. We also see that Sam’s mom has some negative feelings that he might be reacting to. She was stressed at work. She associates him with her difficult brother. She sees him as a kid who wants too much.

So much information can be present in a single vignette like this. When you start adding several together, you will see a clearer picture of how the power struggles with your child get set off and what causes them.

Exercise: Write your first journal entry. Select a recent, or a bad episode with your child and record as much as you can remember. What was going on before it started? What were you feeling? How had your child been that day? What happened and how did it resolve?

My first job, when I work with a new family, is to assess whether the home is a safe place for all family members. Before you follow the advice in any blog, in any book, or from any friend your, home needs to be safe for everyone in the family. If your home is not safe for all family members, this is not the time to go it alone. You need professional help.

If the power struggles and explosions that you are experiencing with your child reach the point where you, your spouse or your other children are being physically injured, seek professional help immediately. If your challenging child is bullying a sibling and that sibling is becoming anxious, regressed, or is becoming physically aggressive him or herself, seek professional help immediately. If the power struggles and explosions that you are experiencing with your child are leading either you or your spouse to lose your temper in a way that is harmful to your child, seek professional help immediately. These situations are emergencies. Contact your child’s pediatrician, your child’s school psychologist, or the psychiatry department of your local hospital.

It’s year end, the time when many of us make resolutions for the New Year. Here’s the one resolution that belongs at the top of every parent’s list.

Take time to care for yourself.

Being a parent in 2012 was stressful. In a down economy supporting a family can be difficult and work hours seem to be getting longer all the time. We’re busier than ever. As if that wasn’t enough, we expect more of ourselves as parents than ever before. We strive to help our children become successful, good people, who are socially and emotionally intelligent. It’s a lot of pressure!

In 2013 resolve first of all to make sure to take some time to care for yourself. I know, I know, you don’t have the time. But taking time everyday to care for yourself – even if it’s just 5 minutes to stop and catch your breath – will be a great gift to you in 2013 and an even greater gift to your child. A calmer, happier, less reactive you will be able to be a more present, attentive and patient parent.

Great stress busters include getting to the gym, yoga, walking, meditation, relaxation exercises. Even if you really don’t feel you can make time for yourself in 2013, at least decide practice Maitri 2013. Maitri, says Budist monk Pema Chödrön, is unconditional friendliness towards oneself. It’s easy to be hard on ourselves and feel we’ll falling short as parents, partners and people. Make 2013 a year to be kinder, gentler and unconditionally friendly to yourself. You and your children will be better off for it!

Happy New Year!

I was driving past a church one evening and I noticed that the church sign read, “How do kids spell love? T‐I‐M‐E.” I was struck enough by this that I stopped to snap a photo of it. I thought “Yes, that is how kids spell love!” As I drove on, and reflected more about the sign, I thought, “Well, kids also spell love R‐E‐S‐P‐E‐C‐T, A‐F‐F‐I‐R‐M‐A‐T‐I‐O‐N, and probably countless other ways.” No matter how many ways kids spell love, time is definitely important.

Because life is so busy, it’s often difficult to find the time to spend with our kids. As fathers we can find it especially challenging to find ways to spend time with our sons where we really connect. In some cases we even find our sons initially resistant to spending time with us. As males, boys and dads usually aren’t inclined to connect by talking. We connect by doing, although sometimes we even talk a little as we are doing things together. I’ve listed a few activities below that can provide opportunities for fathers and sons to spend time together doing things which can help build their relationships. I’ve even included activities that can entice sons who are currently reluctant to spend time with their dads.

BUILDING AND REPAIR PROJECTS

Dads who have the skills can tune up a bicycle, do home repair projects, put up a garden shed, or build simple wood working projects with their sons (the Cub Scout’s Pinewood Derby is a great example of this type of project). For those dads who are less handy, plastic model car kits can be fun projects to tackle. If you are feeling unsure of where to start, there are YouTube tutorials describing how to do almost any type of project. Projects that last over several weeks have the added benefit of creating an ongoing sense of connectedness even when you are not actively working on the project.

SPORTS AND FANTASY LEAGUES

Not all boys love sports, but those who do provide dads with time‐honored opportunities to connect around shooting baskets, playing catch with a football or baseball, or kicking a soccer ball. The physical activity is healthy for both of you and the time together is priceless.

Fantasy football, baseball, basketball and hockey leagues provide another opportunity to connect around a shared interest in sports. Studying player stats, drafting a team, making personnel moves, and vying for a league championship are great ways for dads and sons to bond. As with extended building projects, the fantasy season creates an ongoing feeling of connectedness because the team is always there in the background as something that links the two of you and that you can refer to at any moment. Check out Yahoo! for fantasy sports rules and leagues.

ROUGHHOUSING

Boys, even those not into sports, generally love the physical contact with their fathers that comes from rough and tumble play. The Art of Roughhousing by Anthony DeBenedet, M.D. and Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D. is a wonderful introduction to roughhousing for those dads who feel they need some guidance regarding safe and fun roughhousing.

POKER

Playing poker is a good way to interest a reluctant kid to spend time with his dad. Poker is not only fun and exciting to play, but it encourages the development of many important skills in those who play. Poker teaches players lessons about math, money, and emotional self‐control. Poker also teaches players how to understand the minds and intentions of other people as players try to read what their opponents’ cards are.

WHAT TO DO WITH THE KID WHO DOESN’T WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU ON THESE ACTIVITIES.

With a son who is reluctant to spend time with you, I would recommend starting with what he is interested in. If he loves playing video games, try watching the game while he plays. Ask questions about the game. Eventually ask if he’ll teach you to play. Even if you don’t like or approve of video games, it’s more important for your relationship with you son to meet him where his interests are, than it is to make your point about how video games are too violent or a waste of time. You can take a similar approach to connecting by listening to, and appreciating, the music that your son likes. Try to see what he likes about it. Listen to it enough so it has a chance to grow on you. You can also watch the TV shows he likes, or ask to see YouTube videos that he enjoys.

Good luck! Give your son your time and remember “if first you don’t succeed, try try again.”

Since my last post, Steve Jobs: Innovator, Entrepreneur, and Challenging Boy, we have all heard the sad news of Steve Jobs’s passing. Guy Kawasaki, who worked with Jobs at Apple, posted on his blog in memory of Steve: “What I Learned from Steve Jobs.” Here’s a post on what we can learn from Steve Jobs about life with a challenging boy.

Dealing with a Defiant Child: Lessons Learned from Steve Jobs

1. “You can’t connect the dots looking forward.” Steve Jobs’s 2005 Commencement address at Stanford.

You can’t connect the dots looking forward was Jobs’s way of saying you don’t know what the future holds. It’s natural when you have a challenging boy to be very worried about your child’s future. You wonder if the power-struggles with you, teachers and other authority figures will ever stop. You worry he won’t ever be happy. Maybe you fear he won’t be able to make a life for himself: he’ll drop out of school, or not be able to hold down a job, or not have a relationship, or live in your basement.

These fears, while natural, make life with a challenging child much harder. If we worry that every power-struggle or incident report from school takes our child closer to a terrible future, we feel under tremendous pressure to change things NOW! Trying to change things NOW inevitably makes them worse. Constructive, sustainable change takes time.

Steve Jobs really was a challenging boy. He was constantly testing limits. He was impatient, stubborn, rebellious, and uncontrollable. He had a quick temper and was determined to get his own way no matter what. He overwhelmed his parents and they did worry about him. However, Steve Jobs’s life story tells us that these very qualities played a major role in his success. His story shows us that challenging kids aren’t challenging because they are bad. They are challenging because they care deeply about how things are done. They have great conviction that their way is the right way to do things and they are driven to pursue their vision.

It’s easy for parents and teachers to mistakenly view the challenging boy’s determination to do things his way, according to his vision as self-centeredness, or oppositionality, or defiance, rather than for what it is – the need to follow the beat of a very loud and insistent internal drummer.

We need to remember that these kids have great potential as entrepreneurs, leaders, and agents of change. We need to teach them the skills of leadership and collaboration – not compliance.

Steve Jobs’s commencement address and life story teach us to worry less about our son’s future and to have more faith in them and in ourselves.

2. “Experts are clueless.” Guy Kawasaki’s blog “What I learned from Steve Jobs.”

Families, friends, and even strangers seem to be always offering advice when you have a challenging boy. It can make you feel like a bad parent and that you are to blame for the struggles that you are having with your son. Well let me tell you, they don’t know what they are talking about, unless they’ve also had a challenging kid. Even if they have had a challenging child they might not know what they are talking about because they haven’t had your challenging child.

The same is true for experts. When it comes to your challenging boy, they don’t know what they are talking about either. On just about every issue in parenting you can find equally experienced, equally well-credentialed, equally well-intentioned experts who will offer you exactly opposite advice.

THERE IS NO ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL SOLUTION.

Kawasaki goes on to say, “hear what experts say, but don’t always listen to them.” Experts often have good ideas and suggestions that are worth “hearing, “ that is, considering, but you should never just defer to an expert.

An expert’s suggestion needs to feel right to you in your gut. If it doesn’t, don’t follow the suggestion. To implement a solution effectively, you have to believe in it, it has to fit your personality, and it has to fit your son.

It is actually good news that there is no “one-size-fits-all” solution and that experts disagree. It means that there are many different ways to solve the problems that you are having with your challenging boy. Keep trying until you find the right one, which leads to the last of the lessons in this blog.

3. Never give up.

Steve Jobs pursued his vision of creating “insanely great” products and didn’t let anyone or anything get in his way. He didn’t go it alone, however. He wouldn’t stop until he found the people who could help him make his dream a reality.

Life with a challenging boy is, well … very challenging, but it can be better, maybe even insanely great. Just don’t give up until you find the people and the methods that can help you achieve your dream of a healthy and happy relationship with your son.

On August 24, 2011 Steve Jobs submitted his letter of resignation to Apple’s board of directors. When people think Steve Jobs, they think incredibly influential innovator and entrepreneur. As a child, however, Jobs describes himself as having been a “little tyrant.” He hated school, tested every rule and limit, and challenged the patience of his parents and teachers. Steve Jobs was a challenging boy.

Steve Jobs’s challenging boy nature, however, didn’t limit his success. In fact, it played a key role in his phenomenal achievements. He was uncompromising and determined in the pursuit of his vision. He challenged convention, challenged himself, and challenged his colleagues to think bigger, work harder, and achieve more than they could have ever imagined. Steve Jobs’s story is helpful to keep in mind when dealing challenging boys who challenge the limits of our patience. It reminds us of the tremendous potential contained in a challenging boys’ challenging personality. One mom of a challenging boy summed it up beautifully, “His greatest personal strengths are exactly those things that make it most difficult to be his parent.”

Daniel Alef’s biography, Steve Jobs: The Apple of Our i, depicts Jobs as a classic example of a challenging boy. We find out that Jobs was “hyperactive, constantly pressing the limits of childhood … testing, prodding, always determined.” Of himself Jobs said, “I was pretty bored at school and turned into a little tyrant.” According to Alef, at age 11 Jobs refused to go to school. This defiance eventually forced his parents to move to a new school district for fear that he would never return to school. Jobs was also passionate, and he developed an intense interest in electronics. This interest would eventually lead to his meeting fellow rebel and outside-the-box thinker Steve Wozniak. Later the two would team up to found Apple Computer.

As an adult, Steve Job’s challenging boy nature played a key role in his phenomenal success. He was uncompromising (to the point of being rigid) and determined (to the point of being obsessed). Job’s vision of how things should be drove him and he pursued it with all of his energy. Jobs challenged those who worked with him to be just as driven.

As an adult, Jobs didn’t stop being challenging, in the sense of difficult to work with. Abel describes Jobs’s personality as “direct, abrupt, impatient, and determined. … he wanted things done his way, on his terms and his time schedule.” John Sculley, one time Apple CEO, described Jobs as “a zealot” with “a vision so pure that he couldn’t accommodate that vision to the imperfections of the world.” An Apple board member said of Jobs that “he was uncontrollable … He got ideas in his head, and the hell with what anybody else wanted to do.”

Job’s life story powerfully illustrates the double-edged nature of challenging boys. Challenging boys definitely are “challenging” in the sense that they can be oppositional, difficult, defiant, manipulative, willful, noncompliant, rigid, angry, temperamental, and rebellious and they tend to make life difficult for their parents and teachers. However, the challenging side of these boys’ personalities also has many important positive qualities as well. They are bright, curious, creative, passionate and sensitive kids who have a very strong sense of the way things should be done. They are capable of great things and have important contributions to make to the world if they do not become too turned off by the world’s frequent negative reaction to their challenging personalities.

After years of frustration, many parents understandably find it difficult to see their challenging boy’s personal qualities as strengths. Instead of sensitive, we experience our sons to be easily hurt and angry. Instead of energetic, driven, and persistent, he is stubborn. Instead of principled and committed, we find him rigid and inflexible. Instead of creative and insightful, he seems sneaky and manipulative. Finally, the challenging boy’s greatest asset – his advocating and innovating spirit – is experienced by us as his having an oppositional and contrarian nature.

Jobs’ story reminds us not to forget the positive and potential in these boys’ forceful personalities. It also reminds us that our goal is not to turn our challenging boys into compliant boys, but help them learn to fight important battles (not every battle), to oppose unjust authority (not every authority), and to take other peoples’ feelings into account even as they pursue their own uncompromising vision.

Visit these earlier posts for tips on how to end the power struggles with your son, while respecting and preserving his strengths as a challenging boy.

How to get kids to cooperate: Think like a firefighter!

The Parent Diary: A Powerful Tool for Decreasing Power Struggles

It’s back to school time and maybe you’ve noticed that your son is becoming more moody and/or challenging than he has been during the rest of the summer. His change in behavior is likely due to that fact that school has started or will be starting soon and he is anxious and unhappy about it.

School is a highly frustrating and depressing place for many boys. The thought of going back stresses them out. In this blog, you will learn some of the reasons why your son hates school, as well as 5 things you can do to make this a happier and more successful school year for you and your boy.

Why Your Son Hates School.

It Starts Early: Today’s Kindergarten Curriculum Sets Up Boys to Fail

For many boys the difficulties with school begin in kindergarten. Today’s elementary schools emphasize early literacy, as a result kindergarteners are expected to do work that thirty years ago was done in the first grade.

At the age of 5, most boy’s cognitive development and fine motor skills are not ready for these academic demands. Pediatrician, Leonard Sax, in his book Boys Adrift says that at the age of 5 boys’ brain development is around a year and a half behind that of girls. According to Sax, “trying to teach five-year-old boys to learn to read and write may be just as inappropriate as it would to try to teach three-year-old girls to read and write … [and it] may be the worst possible introduction to school.”

By being given work in kindergarten that they cannot do, many boys learn very early on that school is a place where they can’t succeed. This negative first impression can have long-range effects.

Decreased Time for Recess: Boys Especially Need Outside Recess Breaks to Discharge Physical Energy and Recharge Attentional Batteries.

Another way today’s elementary schools are not boy friendly is the decreasing amount of time allotted for recess. Boys are more physically active than girls and they are less able to sit still and be quiet for extended periods of time. Recess is good for the social and cognitive development of boys and girls, but boys especially need the break. Insufficient recess time sets boys up to get into trouble more often for talking, not staying in their seats, or otherwise being disruptive. Most of this misbehavior is not because the boys are disobedient, but because they are being asked to comply with behavioral expectations that they are not capable of meeting. This creates more negative associations to school. Boys learn that school is a place where you get into trouble.

Emphasis on Learning by Worksheet: Boys Learn Best by Doing.

The current emphasis of evaluating students, teachers and schools through standardized tests has led to an emphasis on “teaching to the test.” Auditory learners (also sometimes called ‘read/write learners’), who are more typically girls, are better able to handle a curriculum where learning primarily occurs through listening, reading, writing, and pencil-and-paper work. Boys more frequently are active, visual/kinesthetic learners who learn best by doing: through moving their bodies, through interacting with materials, through experimenting, and through other active and exploratory methods. As active learners, boys are frustrated and bored during the worksheet driven lessons of today’s elementary school.

These are just a few of the factors that may be contributing to boys being turned off to school. An absence of male teachers to serve as role models for boys, as well as the boy culture which says it isn’t cool to like school are examples of other factors that might also be contributing to the problem.

Returning to school for your boy may mean returning to a place where he is going to feel misunderstood, disrespected, stupid and unable to succeed. His need to maintain his self-esteem leads him to counter these bad feelings by saying to himself, “I’m not stupid, school is stupid!” Unfortunately, you only hear half of his story. Instead he just says to you “school is stupid” or “I hate school” or maybe he says nothing. All that you see is a boy not invested in school and unmotivated to do his schoolwork. He doesn’t necessarily let you know how school makes him feel bad about himself.

What can you do to help? Here are five suggestions that will help make this a better school year for you and your son. All of these suggestions are based on the idea that the most important thing you can do to help your son with his school problems is to be on his side. Being on your son’s side does not mean overlooking his misbehavior, denying that he has a problem with school, or agreeing with him when he says that school is stupid. Being on your son’s side means being his ally and his advocate in dealing with the problems that going to school and doing schoolwork present to him. It is easy to get sucked into fighting with your child about school. Being on his side, in contrast, means letting your son know that you love him unconditionally, that you respect his feelings (including his feelings of hating school), and that you want to join with him in finding a solution rather than becoming part of the problem.

1.  Resist the Temptation to Label Him

When faced with a boy who is not doing his homework, says school is stupid and that he hates his teacher, it is easy for us as parents to get caught up in feeling that our son is lazy, oppositional, and disrespectful. When we view our son’s lack of motivation through the negative lens of these labels we start to expect him to behave in negative ways. Our sons pick up on this negative attitude and it makes them even more sad, frustrated, angry and even more likely to oppose school. The first step in helping him solve his problems with school is to understand that he is unmotivated because he has learned that school is a place where he can’t succeed, won’t be respected, and is likely to get into trouble. Imagine having a job where you were made to feel as stupid, controlled and stifled as school makes your son feel. In that type of environment you’d find it difficult to be invested in your job and you’d probably want to quit – I know I would.

2.  Accept His Feelings

When your son says that school is stupid and a waste of time, or that he hates his teacher, it is very easy to get pulled into correcting him. “School isn’t stupid” you might want to say, “it’s important and you better work harder.” Our instincts tell us if we validate our son’s negative feelings about school that we are going to encourage them to grow and make them harder to change. However, the opposite is true. With kids and their feelings, the axiom is that “the bad feelings have to come out before the good ones can get in.”

When your son says, for example, that school is stupid, you can validate his experience of school without agreeing with him. You could say something like “sounds like school is pretty frustrating.” This statement accepts his feelings and invites him to say more about the problems he is having.

3.  Don’t battle over homework.

As parents, we want the very best for our children and we know that doing well in school and ultimately going to college gives a person an important advantage in the competitive world of work. When a boy says that he doesn’t care about school, we feel understandably afraid for his future. When he doesn’t do his homework, we want to make him do it. It is important, however, for school to belong to your son. You will do whatever you can to help him do well, of course, but ultimately your son has to take ownership for his school performance. Remember, it is your job to be on your son’s side. You can offer to help him with his homework, but provide the help only if he accepts your offer. As you work to establish yourself in your son’s mind as his ally in dealing with his school problems, he will be increasingly more likely to accept your help.

4.  Talk to the teacher

If your son doesn’t like school or isn’t doing well, it’s a good idea to talk to his teacher. Find out if the teacher really ‘gets’ your son. Find out if he or she has an understanding of how boys and girls can have different learning styles. Many teachers were never taught about these gender differences. You might mention to the teacher that you read a great book about teaching boys and you’d be happy to loan it to him or her. Examples of these books are:

Teaching the Male Brain: How Boys Think, Feel, and Learn in School by Abigail Norfleet James.

Reaching Boys, Teaching Boys: Strategies that Work — and Why by Michael Reichert and Richard Hawley.

Why Gender Matters: What Parents and Teachers Need to Know about the Emerging Science of Sex Differences by Leonard Sax.

5.  Get help.

If you aren’t able to make substantial headway with suggestions 1 to 4, you might consider getting help. Tutors can be enormously helpful in dealing with school problems. A tutor alleviates the need to fight with your son over homework. The tutor and your son will handle staying on top of homework together. A good tutor will furthermore not only assist your son in learning his school subjects, but will also be able to help your son learn strategies for doing better in school.

It can also be enormously beneficial to consult with a psychologist. A psychologist can make recommendations and provide treatment that can reverse your son’s negative attitudes toward school and poor performance. A psychologist can also evaluate whether your son has some learning issues that are making school even more difficult for him.

Remember, you can help your son make this the happiest and most successful school year ever. It can take a little time to turn things around, but if you start today by accepting and understanding your son’s feelings, you will be started on a path that will change your son’s feelings about school, and more importantly, that will improve the quality of your relationship with him.

For many parents their first introduction to Autism comes when a mental health professionals suggests that their child’s challenging behavior is the result of the child having an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). This is a frightening and confusing thing to hear.

Robert MacNeil of PBS’s NewsHour, and grandfather of a child with Autism, did a six part video series that gives an excellent introduction to Autism. It is well worth watching whether you are a parent of a child with Autism, a clinician treating a child with Autism, a friend or relative of a family with an Autistic child, or a person who just wants to be more sensitive to the children and families who face the many struggles associated with life with an ASD child.

Here are the links:

Part I: Autism Now: Robert MacNeil Shares Grandson Nick’s Story

Part II: Autism Now: Exploring the ‘Phenomenal’ Increase in U.S. Prevalence

Part III: Autism’s Causes: How Close Are We to Solving the Puzzle?

Part IV: Autism Now: Demand for Educational Resources for Children Outstrips Supply

Part V: Autism Now: For Adults With Autism, Few Support Options Past Age 21

Part VI: Autism Now: How Should We Address Deepening ‘National Health Emergency’?

Recently, I was interviewed for an article about helping children cope with divorce. The interviewer specifically wanted to know my recommendations for how parents’ should tell children about their plans for divorce. Below is a summary of what I discussed.

Getting divorced is an extremely stressful experience. One of the many heart-wrenching aspects of divorce is telling your children that you are breaking up. Hopefully, by following the guidelines below, you can make a very difficult conversation a little easier for everyone.

1.             Tell your children together.

2.             If possible, have a plan worked out before you tell them. (The plan should include who is moving out, when and where s/he is going, when and how the children will see that parent.)

3.             Agree in advance on what you will say to them.

4.             Do not place blame on each other. (For example, don’t say, “Your mother doesn’t want to be married anymore” or “Your father had an affair.”) State clearly, even though one parent is leaving, that it is a mutual decision. This helps children avoid feeling that they have to take sides.

5.             When giving a reason for the separation, say something that is true, but does not burden the children with too much information. (For example, “We haven’t been getting along. We’ve tried to work it out, but we’ve decided that we’d be happier if we lived apart.”)

6.             Reassure your children that you both love them very much, that it is not their fault that you are getting a divorce, and that you will continue to work together as parents.

7.             Let the children know your plan for the when’s and how’s of the separation and the sharing of custody (see item 2).

8.             Let the children know that any feelings they have about the divorce are acceptable (anger, sadness, relief) and that you want to hear about their feelings.

9.             Let the children know that they can ask any you any questions. Answer all questions honestly, but also recognize that you do not have to answer every question. Also, do not give answers to questions that place blame for the divorce on one of the parents or otherwise imply that it is not a mutual decision (see item 4).

10.          Let the children know that they can talk to you about the divorce and their feelings about it, or ask you questions at any time. Many children will have little to say at the time of the initial conversation. They may be in shock. It is important for them to know that they can discuss their thoughts, feelings, and questions with you as they come up over time.

Children are resilient, but give them space to process this upsetting news after you tell them. Like you may be, they are grieving the loss of the family as they know it. Peppering them with questions at this time might actually interrupt their healing process. So, let your children know you are there for them, and that you love them no matter what—this will go a long way in smoothing their transition to this new version of family life.

Once you have opened the door to hearing about feelings and questions, it is important to follow through and be accepting of and pay attention to the feelings and questions when they are brought up. It also helps keep the lines of communication open when you look for openings to have little conversations. If your child looks sad or is acting very frustrated, just acknowledging that the divorce is very upsetting is sometimes enough to get the child to tell you a little about what he or she has been feeling.

Divorce is not something that happens at a moment in time. It is a process. The feelings that children have about their parents’ divorce change over time, and can continue to change through out the children’s lives. The children, like the parents, go through a process of grieving the loss of the family as they’ve known it. Like you their grieving includes feelings of denial (believing the parents will get back together), anger, and sadness.

Here’s a link to the eHow article that I was interviewed for.

Keep in mind that it can be very helpful for couples contemplating divorce to consult with a qualified child psychotherapist or their pediatrician before talking to their children about divorce. Also, you should consult your pediatrician or a qualified psychotherapist if concerns come up about how your children are reacting to your divorce.